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Guilt

I simply wanted a day to myself and that was too much to ask for. I ran into a recurring problem a few weeks back. I wanted time away but felt guilty for wanting it. Not time to go on an adventure, or time to party. Not time to get all dolled up or even get a massage. I wanted time to be completely alone, with my thoughts doing whatever I wanted (or didn't want) to do. Let me say this before y'all trip and cause a riot I AM IN LOVE WITH MY FAMILY. All caps to emphasize the feelings lol. My hubby and my kids are my world. We spend so much time together. Driving to school, weekend activities, cook together, clean together, jokes together. We're legitimately together most of the time. And I'm usually ok. There are times however when mommy/wife needs to be alone. Not in a bad way, but in a healthy way. I spend so much time trying to keep the family systems together that when it's time for "me" I'm depleted. Most of the time when I am by myself I spend it writing, paying bills or listening to a podcast or audio book. I spend alot of my alone time organizing our life. Making to do lists, organizing calendars,  business work to bring in additional income. I may drink more wine when I'm alone though or indulge in an episode of "This is Us" without interruption but that makes me feel good. The self care aspect comes with me not being "on" 100%. "On" go or in go mode.  Time to myself to just not do anything. Uninterrupted, unrushed time to myself. I'm not a bad mom for wanting it. I'm not a bad wife either. I see it as taking care of myself so that I can be the best version of myself for them everyday. No more guilt either.

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