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Heartbreak 2020

Life can beat you down.
I am a helper. A lover. A fixer, but I can't fix everything and the knowledge of this hit me hard this year. I've been mourning the loss of relationships over and over again. And it hurts.
Unexpected endings hurt.
Even when the decision was mutual. It hurts.
Even losing toxic energy can be painful.
Or growing distant gradually.
When the loss was for my own good. It hurt badly.
When a life suddenly ended it devastated.

Missing a person's energy and laughter. Their demeanor and spirit hurts. And I've been powering through hurt this year.

A few endings sent me into a sadness that I didn't even realize was there. The impact people have on you can go unnoticed until you no longer have access to them.

To miss someone is one of the most powerful feelings. Even in their physical absence you long for their presence.

No matter how much sense it makes for the separation. No matter the rhyme or reason. No matter how much better off my present circumstance is without them. No matter if its supported by a series of hard decisions and conviction. It still hurts.
It really hurts.
The fact that I cannot fix it hurt my feelings.

I've been in mourning for the lost of relationship. Things won't be the same.

But even though I'm resigned to the fact that these relationships are gone, I'm still in the background waiting for a chance I may never get again.

The duality is not lost on me.

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