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I lost it... but it's coming back

Today I called out of work. I reached my level of overwhelmed yesterday. I was so upset emotionally drained and brain beaten that I felt a panic attack approaching. I sat in a corner on the floor clutching my phone as I called my husband asking him to come home from work. I was a wreck. And the thing about it is that the trigger wasn't terribly bad but it sent me over the edge. The wifi wouldnt work properly. I work from home. Correction I teach from home. There are kids in my face all day. On zoom. My zoom room is my classroom and my internet cutting out in the middle of the class is the equivalent to me walking out during a lesson leaving the kids unattended. My internet cut out in the middle of class twice this week. It cut out completely in the middle of a meeting I was leading. That did it. The zoom shut off, my phone died while on the charger. My email wouldn't go through. Nothing would work all at the same time.

On top of this both my kids were having trouble with the wifi too. Their frustration is palpable. I try to keep it together for myself and them but this week got harder and harder. I at least had my break down while I was home alone.

I felt so out of control. I called out of work the next day saying I needed a mental health day. I called my husband and cried. He came and just sat with me. We tried to watch tv but the internet struck again. I was just emotionally drained and this was symbolic of everything happening all at the same time.

Virtual teaching limited social interaction Breonna Taylor gun violence in Philly this election mail in voting, making decisions about every single simple thing.

My brain hurt.

So I didn't work. I took a break from the computer for the day and did things that I felt I could control. I cleaned my house. I made balloons. I assisted the girls with their school work. I wrote. I read. I went shopping. I cooked. I did things that were simple and felt like I took a little power back. I felt like I could start to make decisions again. I don't feel crippled into submission.

So I went back to basics. My home and my family.

Forget self care I had a self realization. I'm absolutely no good if I'm so wired. I cant do any of the jobs paid or at home. It's scary to keep coming back to this place of distress and figuring my way out of it. This anxiety ridden world we are experiencing right now is revealing lessons everyday. 

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