Skip to main content

I lost it... but it's coming back

Today I called out of work. I reached my level of overwhelmed yesterday. I was so upset emotionally drained and brain beaten that I felt a panic attack approaching. I sat in a corner on the floor clutching my phone as I called my husband asking him to come home from work. I was a wreck. And the thing about it is that the trigger wasn't terribly bad but it sent me over the edge. The wifi wouldnt work properly. I work from home. Correction I teach from home. There are kids in my face all day. On zoom. My zoom room is my classroom and my internet cutting out in the middle of the class is the equivalent to me walking out during a lesson leaving the kids unattended. My internet cut out in the middle of class twice this week. It cut out completely in the middle of a meeting I was leading. That did it. The zoom shut off, my phone died while on the charger. My email wouldn't go through. Nothing would work all at the same time.

On top of this both my kids were having trouble with the wifi too. Their frustration is palpable. I try to keep it together for myself and them but this week got harder and harder. I at least had my break down while I was home alone.

I felt so out of control. I called out of work the next day saying I needed a mental health day. I called my husband and cried. He came and just sat with me. We tried to watch tv but the internet struck again. I was just emotionally drained and this was symbolic of everything happening all at the same time.

Virtual teaching limited social interaction Breonna Taylor gun violence in Philly this election mail in voting, making decisions about every single simple thing.

My brain hurt.

So I didn't work. I took a break from the computer for the day and did things that I felt I could control. I cleaned my house. I made balloons. I assisted the girls with their school work. I wrote. I read. I went shopping. I cooked. I did things that were simple and felt like I took a little power back. I felt like I could start to make decisions again. I don't feel crippled into submission.

So I went back to basics. My home and my family.

Forget self care I had a self realization. I'm absolutely no good if I'm so wired. I cant do any of the jobs paid or at home. It's scary to keep coming back to this place of distress and figuring my way out of it. This anxiety ridden world we are experiencing right now is revealing lessons everyday. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Getting Away From Myself

Just letting it flow. I haven't written in while because I have been getting away from myself. Missing appointments and not making time to write in my planner, not  blogging. I have become consumed with doing for others once again and not taking care of my own basic needs. I drive everywhere, take the kids everywhere, house planning and construction, prom planning, kid activities while trying to stay a relevant business woman and a decent wife. Tired as always, but as I sit here out on the porch during this rain storm with my 3 girls I realize that I am blessed more than stressed. So that's what I'll end with
Post a Comment
Read more

Feel

I get mad sometimes and that's ok. It took me a long time to be ok with my feelings. The way I used to process feelings was extreme. Either I was REALLY happy, EXTREMELY worried, WAY OVER THE TOP angry or totally underwhelmed. Yeah I know it sounds manic but everything resonated with me. I'm still pretty emotional but I have found a few ways to cope (writing being my fave). 1. I talk about how I feel. It took me a long time to realize that talking about things helps me to process them. When I'm angry, frustrated or confused being able to talk about a situation helps me to see it clearer and move forward. 2. I sit with my feelings. Every emotion doesn't need a reaction or even a name. Sometimes I get an overwhelming urge to smile out of nowhere and that's fine. I revel in those moments. Other times I get a negative feeling that I can't place so I sit still. Not worrying or trying to figure it out. I just notice the feeling and then let it go. The reason for the...
Post a Comment
Read more

Jada

People put so much emphasis on perfection when thinking about Jada Pinkett-Smith and celebrities/politicians in general. I think about all of the naysayers saying that she can't be an expert on interpersonal relationships or give advice through channels like the Red Table Talk series because of her recent admission of supposed infidelity in her marriage. But she is a human being. That is one thing that has frightened me in all of my professional journeys. People believe that if you fail in one aspect of your life then you don't have the right to give advice to anyone in another area or even in that area of life. It is a perceived notion that you must be perfect all around, have a perfect image everywhere so that you can advise. People are trying to cancel her saying that she can't give anyone advice on anything anymore because of this new revelation. This revelation that is new to us. But who are we really? My question comes in how can people grow if the mistakes they make ...
Post a Comment
Read more